Voice typing isn't like thinking out loud. And it's not like having a conversation. My thinking is private. Voice typing, even with no one around is a public act, not a private one. A conversation is a public act with someone who is encouraging and contributing. Voice typing is like talking into a void. The void does not encourage me.
Perhaps I could imagine an audience? Maybe that would assign a different meaning to my speaking? Perhaps I could pretend that I was talking to a close friend? Maybe I can picture my friend welcoming what I have to say. But right now I am not imagining anyone listening. I am just talking. And uncomfortable.
This feels sad. But I am getting words out. So that's good.
I know I have choices. I can try to get rid of this discomfort by giving up. Of course, that will replace this discomfort with a different kind of discomfort. That sucks.
Can I change the meaning to the discomfort? What if I tell myself that my discomfort is noble? What if I tell myself that my discomfort is brave? That my discomfort is a sign of strength? That every moment of discomfort, large, or small, is a kind of victory
Could I tell myself that by making myself uncomfortable that I am transforming myself? What if I say that this discomfort is changing me into the person I wish to become? What I tell myself (and believe) that this is the price that anyone must pay when they want to achieve what I want to achieve? What if I tell myself there's only one way to move from where I am to where I want to be and that way leads through discomfort? What if I tell myself there are no shortcuts? What if I repeatedly tell myself this is the only way?
What if I tell myself that the less comfortable I am the better it is for me? What if I take a moment and show myself appreciation for the discomfort that I have just been experiencing? What if I tell myself that my future self will revere me for the effort that I have made in facing my discomfort and doing what my future self would have wanted me to do?
What if I realize that I am now the future self of the past self that wrote that? What if, as that future self, I say to my past self, my recent past self, how grateful I am?
What if, instead of just saying these things, free of affect, I do one of these things?
I will stop up here. I did accomplish one of my purposes. I got myself unstuck. It took a rambling rant at 2:00 AM to do it. And now it's the morning. I've read this. It's a little embarrassing. But better a little embarrassed and something posted than nothing posted.
So I will post it.
It’s a start.
Let’s see if I can keep it going.
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